All out Understand me
by A Beautiful Breakdown
Summary: oneshot You need to let me in. Holland relishes in the presence of his pregnant lover, thankful for the peace he has been bless, but will the ghosts of his past let him rest?


**All out - Understand me**

**Summary:** Holland relishes in the presence of his pregnant lover, thankful for the peace he has been bless, but will the ghosts of his past let him rest?

**A/N:** There is farrrr to few fanfics involving these two. It breaks my heart, they're just so adorable!! Neway this is my attempt at something sweet...

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It was becoming one of his favourite past times, lying there with Talho, his face buried against the small bump which had quickly developed around her middle. Lying there, it was like lifting, taken to a whole new level. Like he'd just taken ecstasy and was catching the next traper wave. Listening to her belly gurgle, her fingers intertwined with his, it was amazing. Amazing she had been so strong, so tough, all the while catering to this tiny life growing inside her. Amazing she still had the umph to put him in his place when he needed a good walloping. Amazing how beautiful she looked, her body filling out as she lie there in her under garments waiting for his ok to move.

Ever since Renton and Eureka had left, things quieted down. Gekkostate remained disbanded under Holland's direct orders, but good friends proved a hard thing to be rid of. Secretly Holland had been thankful, thankful he had friends, a family he could rely on, thankful he had moments like these in which he could forget the world existed outside the boundaries of their four falls.

Some days he would lay about, not moving for hours as he waited for Talho to return to him. Some might say he was becoming depressed, shrouded by the misery that came with losing all those you cherished. He'd never pretended he'd had an easy life, yet never allowed his subconscious to dwell on how alone he was destined to be. He had Talho, beautiful beautiful Talho and within months he would be the father of a bouncing, happy baby boy or girl. The sex of the child mystified him, allowing Holland one of few joys left in life. He'd sit and think for hours, plotting out what it would be like to have a little girl, a child he could pamper, watching her grow up, the image of her mother. A boy would be nice too, a child to look exactly like him, a child he could teach to ride the traper waves, to pilot a ship, to fight for those he loved.

A boy... yes a boy would be nice... a boy just... like... him...

"A boy..." he muttered into Talho's belly, his lips pressed against the fleshy landscape which lie before him.

Talho had fallen asleep somewhere amidst Holland's cooing baby talk and wandering hands. She allowed him such small pleasures, the things you do for the person you love most. Her life became far less hectic now, her wild fire subdued much to Hollands insistence. He wanted her safe, needed her safe, so much so it became almost terrifying, that frightened look, the look of a child so scared and alone. She'd loved him, loved him despite his so many faults, loved him despite the train wreck of emotional baggage that came along with his affection.

_ Maybe I can fix it, even just a little_, she could remember thinking the first time he wound his arms around her, tears lingering upon his terrified lashes. His eyes pleading for love and devotion as he allowed his walls to crumble to the ground.

He trusted her.

He trusted her when he allowed her to come along, when he stole her away from his bastard brother and all the hurt he had caused her. He trusted her when she said they needed more crew, when she held him, promising never to leave his side. From the first moment he allowed himself to let go, to just be, in front of her, he had trusted her. Trusted her more then he had ever trusted another human being. She lie at his side through his injuries, held his hand through the pain. She watched as he would self destruct in a manner only he seemed capable of, only to pick up the pieces, gingerly placing them back together again.

No one understood them, but no one needed to, their relationship fit perfectly, the way they required. They were everything you wanted in a couple, while embodying everything you wanted to avoid. Their fights were aggressive, filled with passion and sometimes even violent. He'd never meant to hurt her, the soft cushiony flesh of his palm colliding with her tender cheek. The mere thought enough to make him vomit, another point added to the many things Holland Novak whished he'd never done. _"You just make me so angry." _ He would scream, fingers curled tight against his palm, shaking as he clenched a painfully obvious fist. She was so pigheaded, so stupid, so infuriating, so perfect!

A fleeting touch fell about her midriff as Holland lingered between the realms of sleep and consciousness. His fingertips traced the outline of where he felt the baby would be, not entirely aware of developmental stages and all the technical jargon. He didn't need to be, the only thing important to him was the growing creature within his lover. Their creature, their baby, something they had created, together, a peaceful reminded that there was something worth fighting for in the world. The child had been his reason for living, his reason for throwing his reckless nature to the side adopting a more subdued manner of life. He was careful in battle, no longer throwing himself into the line of fire just to the hell of it, or playing chicken with the reaper. He'd once looked death in the eye, forcing the bastard to relinquish its stare. He couldn't do that now, leave Talho with such a burden to bear on all her own. He couldn't leave a child to exist in a world, not knowing his father, not knowing the loving embrace of both parents. His child deserved a life so much better then what he had been allowed.

_ I'm allowed this. _He thought, and yet guilt bubbled away beneath his chest. He had done so many horrible things, killed so many people. What right did he have to be happy? What right did he have to lie next to such a beautiful woman? _Why am I so lucky?_

There came a distant cry from somewhere down the hallway. Gidgit's voice followed, then the world was silent again. They were there, alive and well, running from those who demanded answers in the face of a new world order. Answers he didn't have the right to supply.

_Eureka... Renton..._  
Wherever they were... were they happy? Had Renton kept his promise?

He missed the brats smiling face, the way in which he would openly defy Holland in order to stand up in the name of love and devotion. The kid never seemed to care he had been thrown in the brig, that Holland appeared to hate him for no other reason then loving Eureka. Renton just smiled, he trusted Holland, much in the way that one might trust a big brother, and now he was gone. Everyone seemed to leave; mortality had never been so real. As Holland lie quiet, he focussed his attention upon the faint glimmer of a heart beat, slowing his breath as he tried to sync the steady thumping mimicked within Talho. Eyes closed tight, Holland chewed on his lip just slightly, the warm sensation breaking over his dry chapped lips. He was lost in his own world, thoughts of death and punishment but notes upon the wind. Would their child care that its father had been a killer, blindly following the orders of an organization bent on destruction. That he killed and maimed countless innocence, or that his existence meant the death of his own mother. Hers was the first life he took, the first of an onslaught of victims to fall at his feet for years to come. Did that matter? Would his child be proud to call him Popa?

A hand groped the material of their bed sheets, his breath baited with restriction and a dire need for air. He was drowning, suffocating upon memories and thoughts. His hold on Talho tightened as the arm he lie against her, draped across her body, dug beneath her opposing side. A frightened embrace which screamed _Love me._

His body lie, wrought with fear, trembling as he pressed his forehead into the soft flesh exposed before him. He wanted this child, he wanted Talho, and he couldn't imagine ever losing either. The little one had barely been known to the world but four or five months (he still wasn't sure when Talho found out) and already he had become so attached. He clung to the idea of being a good father, a good husband, as if, with this child would be born a chance to start over, to try something different, atone for his sins. It was a new chance with Eureka, to bring a smile to the face of someone he loved dear.

"Forgive me..." his whisper fell, strained, warm breath gracing the satiny flesh about Talho's navel, "I'll try and be a good Popa, I will..." His fingers splayed beneath the small of Talho's back as he crawled ever closer, allowing his lips to trail soft butterfly kisses over his loved ones plump belly. He could feel her breath as she drew in a long drawn out sign, stretching her arms far over her head as she roused from her nap. He smiled upon her skin, allowing his eyes to rest, his sadness slipping out beneath the corners. The rain, a cleansing of his soul, fell upon Talho's stomach in soft patterns, provoking a smile beneath her sleep laden eyes.

"Moma's up..." Holland whispered, allowing but another kiss to bless those sacred grounds before he drew himself away.

She looked magnificent as she swayed between sleep and wake, her eye lids heavy, shadowing the sparkle of a grin beneath. He loved it when she smiled, the way her lips raised just slightly, the sneaky manner in which a light rouge crept into her cheeks. The angle of her lips, those soft pillows of flesh alone could captivate him for hours. Watching as the softest breath escaped into the air, or the manner in which she allowed her tongue to roam over the dry surface when she became nervous.

"Don't get up on my account..." Talho drawled softly, a hint of teasing laced within her quiet words. She felt his hands slide over her body, exploring the new found dips and curves. Fingers tracing delicate kisses upon the back of her neck before his hands became lost within her short choppy hair. She knew he'd been down there, head against the soft spot on her tummy since she had dozed off. He'd been there so long now the warm spot where his face had been was beginning to feel lonely, lost without it's familiar companion and his tickling whiskers.

When she hadn't bated a response, Talho's words grew almost urgent beneath her curiosity, his name slipping passed her tongue, and "Holland is everything ok?" she repeated.

A nod. That was all he allowed, his fingers snaking through tresses of raven silk only to draw her close, pulling her head against his chest. His ear rest a top her crown of locks, his other hand roaming beneath the pillow and her shoulder in order to tightly hold her body to his. Any space would be too much space, a need to fill all gaps and holes separating their bodies drawing upon his heart strings.

"Holland..." Talho whispered, relaxing into the surprising embrace, her arms folded against his chest. "Really Holland..." she pried, careful not to catch his teary eyes. They would break her; tear her poor heart in two. "You're going to be a good Popa... the little one will adore you, you're its Popa..."

Holland allowed a soft sigh to escape before he spoke, drawing out the moments before his need for her touch finally became realised. "Do you think its fair..." he whispered, "fair that we're happy, we're happy, Renton and Eureka are missing, Ray and Charles are dead... Dewey..." he stopped.

Talho had drawn back, her hands pressed against Holland's bare chest, eyes peering curiously beyond his expression. "I think I'm the only one that's happy here.." she quipped lightly accepting his smile as an urge to continue, "you may not think it's fair... but I personally see nothing wrong in how we live our lives." somehow a hand had managed to rest upon Holland's cheek stealing away what warm salty tears he hadn't managed to repress, "those two, they knew what they were getting into, they made choices and we retaliated. You protected your family, and could have been killed yourself. Life isn't without sacrifice, they died, but it could have been us..." She felt his grasp upon her body tighten, the hand lost within her hair allowing a slight squeeze.

"I don't know what I'd..."

"I'm jealous of Eureka though..." Talho continued, cutting into whatever depressing thought Holland was about to put to words "She's with the person she loves the most, and he's happy just being there... Happy he's with her. That's all the two of them really need..."

_Love_

Holland's jaw dropped slightly as Talho's index finger pressed into his nose. There she was, setting him back into reality where it was he belonged. "I.. I..."  
Talho smiled  
Holland cried, his bottom lip quivering a moment.

"I think it's a boy..." she stated proudly, a statement which caught him off guard.

It felt as if he had been thrown against a cement wall, his body pressed between two large surfaces, struggling for breath. _A Boy._ He thought, watching the happiness dance within Talho's beautiful eyes.

Had his mother looked the same way?

"I'm sorry..." although his apology was unnecessary, Holland offered it anyway, searching for the words he had been so desperate to utter to another human being his whole life. _Mother. _"She died... giving birth to me." those words came without warning, blinding siding Talho into an expressionless stupor. "My mother that is, she died, I was born, and she died... "

His words fell upon smiling lips, eyes imploring Talho to understand. This was him opening up, his past becoming unfolded. _You need to let me in_. She screamed within his mind, well this was his attempt. "I killed her; my presence upon this earth killed her. Brother blamed me, and then one by one the all started to disappear. My life... my hands are stained, unfit for holding the life of an innocent..."

Talho merely smiled, allowing her lips to flutter over his but for a moment, "I'm not going anywhere, our child will be healthy, hell, and I'll even cut back on my daily rampage if it'll bring peace of mind..."

A quiet nod, his smiling begging for just one more chaste kiss, "stay with me..."

"Forever, for Renton and Eureka..."  
"For our child..." he added.

A quiet smirk slipped delicately over Talho's parted lips, "who will be anything but innocent I assure you..."

He smiled  
They smiled

A kiss.

Then a quiet which linked their bodies together.  
Holland was now able to smile. A smile which reached into the corners of his eyes. The smile Talho had been waiting for.   
When Eureka and Renton returned, they would see, see what their love started, what new life meant...

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annnnd read and review? please? 


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